Are YOU this Facebook person???

Facebook is one of those things where I definitely have a soapbox to stand on. As one of the original users (i.e., it came out when I was in college when it was only meant for college students), it has been interesting (read: disappointing) to see how much the social media site has transformed. Instead of being a way to contact classmates to figure out schedules and when to meet for a project, my nearly 60-year-old mom is now posting like a tween, and I'm seriously contemplating blocking her feed to give myself some peace.

In fact, I have been contemplating exiting the FB world for awhile now. I hang on, perhaps hypocritically, because there really are a few "friends" (and I mean this sincerely, not the type most people have met sort-of and add to their collections like notches on a bedpost), that I do not want to lose contact with again. Still though, while browsing through their feeds, I ask myself, why do I endure this once-a-week browsing torture? I don't know. My experience has been greatly altered by the following. If you are one of these people, shame on you.

1) Child-Pimp 
You post every. little. damn. thing. your child does or says. We get it. You think your kid is cute. My little girl is cute too, but you know what? All that matters is that I think she is, because I'm her mom. I don't need the whole world to clap with me, and neither does she. I'm not going to add one more child to the ranks of a narcissistic population. Stop advertising your child and experiences online. 

This goes for all of you who post pictures of your kids, often daily. If you want to send something to Grandma and Grandpa, by all means, shoot them an email. I don't need to see pictures of your child's face smeared in food, jumping in leaves or posing with a not-so-attractive mug for the thousandth time.  

2) Obsessed Bride
I get that you're engaged. Or newly-wed. And that you're oh-so-pretty and it was such a happy, lovely day. Honestly, if you're going to torture the rest of us with your wedding album, (which is cruel considering most people are NOT enjoying marital bliss at the moment you are), make it ONE album and be done with it. I don't need to see MORE daily pictures 6 months after your vows. Get over yourself and your relationship.

On the same note, please, for the love of God, stop with the wedding day countdown. Honestly, do you have any self respect, or is your entire identity wrapped up in one person and one day that can't possibly meet your expectations? If everyone on your Facebook friends list is invited, then it's redundant to do a countdown, and if they aren't, then shame on you for reminding them of that fact.

3) Weight Loss Junkie
I applaud your efforts to diet. I don't like that you need everyone to rally around you with "awesome" and "go you" remarks. If you are going to diet, do it. Be strong. Whether you have support or not. I honestly could care less if you lose another 2 pounds this week. Stop beating us over the head with it. Ever think that it might depress people who are struggling to lose weight?

4) Meme-Whore
Sure, a few memes make everyone smile. but when I see people posting them with blitz-speed, a dozen at a time? Kinda loses its effect, as I skip by most without reading now. 

5) Prayer-Whore
God is not your personal genie. I'm sorry you've had a rough day, but it's a weak (read, lack of faith) move to post it so you can get more attention. As it is, I don't think the Almighty needs Facebook to know your upset over something. Does little Jimmy have a cold? He'll get better. Do you really need to ask for prayer? How about praying for the little kid in Africa who has AIDS or is dying of starvation or thirst?  

6) The Whiny Mom
You chose to have kids. Now raise them, with grace, preferably. It will be hard, in fact, brutal some days. But you can do it, because many, many women have done it before you. You DO NOT need to remind us how tough every day is. Please. Like you're the only one struggling here.

7) The Politician
It's great you have political views. Try doing something more productive than posting propaganda all day. 


There is probably a point where we have committed one, or all, of these Facebook sins. The point is, I hope you have the maturity and class to realize that social media doesn't make up for real life interactions and friendships. If you want attention, you're looking in a place that will never, ever satisfy. Now go and sin no more.